I was just starting to feel as if I could sit back and relax after finishing the installation of our art show “What Was She Thinking?”, when I got the call last night from my brother that my mother was in the hospital. I had had a bad dream about her the night before, so I was not surprised in a way. It was a dream about arguments she and I used to have when I was in high school and I woke up feeling disturbed and emotionally depleted.
Today mom is going in for partial hip replacement surgery. Her advanced alzheimer’s disease complicates what would be a routine operation. I am concerned that she is comfortable and feels safe. Luckily my father and my brother are there to make sure she is as fine as can be, considering her condition. It was decided to take her out of hospice care so she could have this surgery.
I made a simple altar for my mother on my desk with rose petals, a beeswax candle and a photo of us when we went to Santa Fe, before she got too confused.
She will be in the hospital for 5 days and I will take the later shift of her stay, while my other two brothers arrive earlier.
It seems ridiculous to say, but I wish my parents did not have to get old and deteriorate. It is so hard to see loved ones in pain and dying. I keep trying to tell the rational side of me that life is a cycle that must go on, yet that doesn’t seem to comfort me right now. I feel numb and tired and resigned to what must come.